Emilee Bryant

For years, every time I proudly poured a beautiful display of l'art (the ‘French’ (?) medical abbreviation for milk foam garnish, or ‘latte art’), I heard echoes of a familiar and annoying phrase.

It went something like, ‘Oh, it looks pretty, but how does it taste?’ The implication being that all my painstaking effort on the l'art meant the drink itself must be garbage. That assumption has irked me for a decade, but lately... I’ve had a total change of heart.

We should just ban it. Ban l'art. All of it. No more milky cow-juice or nut-juice or oat-juice garnish. And as someone who made a career out of pouring beautiful (and occasionally phallic) patterns, trust me, I’m not taking this lightly.

Emilee is a two-time latte art champion and YouTuber known for the theatrical visual style and humour she brings to her content, which we think you should check out

This enlightenment hit me during a meal at a moderately bougie restaurant where, sticking to my Texan roots, I ordered a burger. What showed up was a display of unformed raw ground beef, two whole pickles at either end of the plate, mustard and ketchup forming a sort of spiral, and buns just casually falling off the side. It was brilliant.

My visual appetite and aesthetic sensibilities were so immediately overwhelmed by sheer dullness, that I was forced to sit there—all messy hands and sticky fingers—to focus purely on the taste, which is, after all, all that matters, right? I was inspired.

Not long after, I realized this whole de-garnishing philosophy could go so much deeper—even into the automobile industry. Why even paint cars? Instead of a flashy clay-brown or mauve, we could all ride around in pure, unadorned stainless-steel encasements. Forget roadside distractions altogether! The lives saved would be innumerable. You’re welcome.

Perhaps we should ban expression in its entirety. Say goodbye to your favourite patterned shirt (I’m looking at you, rubber-duck pattern) and hello to the all-grey, one-size-fits-all society. Because after all, it’s the warmth and comfort that matter most, right? In a world that should celebrate a lack of expression, what better monument is there than a museum of unpainted canvases? Unprecedented!

Which brings me back to the original and essential point: We should ban l'art, then fun, and then joy. Full stop.